Define Awesome

Did you know that up to 60% of the human body is made up of water? That’s legit. It’s true. It’s the truthiest truth of them all. Which means only one thing: you need to drink a metric ton of water to keep your already wet body happy. Let’s do some simple math. Let’s say […]

Marvinious Ketchup Jr. was exceptionally proud of his tomato farm. In fact, he was so proud of his tomatoes, that he used them for everything. Yes, literally everything. Breakfast was a tomato sandwich. Two pieces of tomato with a tomato in the middle and some ketchup for dipping on the side. For lunch he’d have […]

Hear ye, hear ye! Gather round men, women and children of all ages! We are proud to introduce the spikiest, greenest, meanest, water dwelling lizard this side of the Mississippi! Forget about your run of the mill cayman. Toss aside your preconceived notions about the dear old crocodile. We are here to bring you the […]

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, people of all ages! May we introduce you to…the future! A future that is bright, bold, beautiful – and stunningly within reach today! My name is Buster C. Lightbulb and I am here to introduce you to a product that will change your life. The Color Changing Light Panels, […]

Historically, there has always been major problems with flip-flops. They either flip or they flop. Here’s what is the worst about that: both words are terrible. No one uses “flip-flop” as a superlative. It’s not a good thing. No one is ever like, “Hey, man – good work out there today, you were really flip-flopping […]

Deep in the woods of one of the planet’s most difficult to traverse landscapes lay a battle fortress unlike anything you have ever seen. It’s big. It’s bold. It houses the fiercest warriors that have ever lived. That’s right: ever. Warriors from the Egyptian kingdom. Warriors from the 1800s. Warriors who once lived in Brooklyn […]

One of the most beautiful creatures in nature is the bird. Many have called birds the most majestic things that have ever existed. They fly high, they have purpose and they are all unique. But don’t let us tell you how amazing they are, enjoy just a few quotes about birds from eloquent individuals throughout […]

Ever heard of vitamin patches for energy? Well, buckle up and hold on tight because there’s about to be an energy blast through your body that will make anything possible. Yes, literally anything. Too tired to be a good parent?  Stick on a B12 Energy Patch and you’ll be the winner for “Parent of the […]

Have you ever sat on the toilet and thought to yourself…“Whilst I am currently enjoying myself and this wonderful seat, I certainly wouldn’t mind some thunderous theme music to accompany my wonderful achievement of the moment!” Well, you aren’t alone. Because we most definitely have also. Welcome the amazing, incredible, unbelievable musical machine of your […]

Dude – Jacques Cousteau would be rolling over in his coral reef condo right now if he knew about this SMACO Scuba Tank. Remember back in the day when you used to have to wheel a thousand pound oxygen chamber made of solid bronze to be able to enjoy the wonders of your neighborhood pond? […]

The crazy cat person in your life deserves only the best! Welcome to the best, my friend! The most incredible, absolutely perfect, stand-up and give a standing ovation gift for the craziest cat people on planet Earth! It’s unique! It’s outrageous! It’s…a plastic tongue cat scratcher! That’s right folks, every crazy cat person has long […]

Let’s sit down and talk for a minute. Serious talk. It’s time to kick things up a notch in that pick-up truck of yours which lacks a truck bed pool. Let’s face it: you’re awesome. You’re the life of the party. You’re cool, fresh and have got the good life on lockdown. The problem? Your […]

Let’s be real. Dad jokes are all the rage. As a matter of fact, a bad Dad joke can cause an insurmountable amount of rage. Which is a very good thing. The worse the joke, the better it is – at least when it comes to Dad jokes. That’s why the Dad Joke Button is […]

Did you know… That in order to poop like the champion you really are, you should be eating a trillion grams of fiber every day? Though this statement is not true at all, it does make you think, doesn’t it? You may be thinking such questions as: What would a trillion grams of fiber look […]

Deep in the caves of the Himalayas lived one of the wisest, most well respected men in the history of civilization. Arnold Windbreaker, inventor of the Whoopee Cushions. Sure, you may think most of the ancient sages and wise men of history lived many centuries ago. Not Arnie. Good ‘ol Arnold Windbreaker lived in 1920s […]

You’re not still using the voice you were born with are you? Yikes…Did you know that 99.999% of the world uses a synthesized voice? Wait a second. You’re that one person who isn’t using a voice synthesizer, aren’t you? Come on, you’re better than that. Since the dawn of the new century, scientists, naturalists, herbalists […]

Are you tired of children running all around constantly bothering you?   You’re an adult, you should be doing awesome stuff like drinking too much, chopping wood or wildly just kicking at stuff for no apparent reason. When kids are around, you just can’t enjoy a stiff drink, axe swing or kick like you’d like […]

Many very intellectually advanced people in America have high praise for the wonderfully captivating and famous television star Captain Kangaroo. If you’re unfamiliar, first, let us welcome you out from underneath that gross old rock you’ve been living in. Let us refer to Wikipedia to catch you up on Mr. Kangaroo: “Captain Kangaroo was an […]

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF JERK THAT JUST HAS REGULAR PICKLES THAT DON’T YODLE? Man oh man, what an embarrassment you are. Look, we didn’t want to have to start off this way, but come on. You’re better than this. You’re better than some “average Joe” who is just skulking around with a regular […]

Many people think “Gosh, I am completely useless.” These people spend their days in a constant haze of activity, never truly getting anything done. By the end of the day, they’re grumpy, tired and pretty much feeling just what you’d think…useless. Fortunately, the universe could sense this malcontent happening to humans. Deep within the caverns […]

Listen up chubs, chocolate isn’t just for breakfast anymore. Now you can have it before breakfast, too. Hot damn! Are you still dreaming? Nope, this is as real as it gets.  Chocolate toothpaste actually exists And this tube of sweetness is so good you might just decide to start brushing a few hundred times a […]

Congratulations! It’s a new baby! As opposed to an old baby, which, let’s be honest would be super weird. Last thing your lady friend would want is to give birth to an 86 year old retired accountant who all of a sudden immediately starts hounding the happy couple about their lack of diversified stock portfolio. […]

Buckle up and get ready for the gaming chair rig you’ve been dreaming about your entire life. Yup, your entire life. We know you sit there on your uncomfortable gaming chair. It’s stained from years of hard seltzer spillage. There are chip crumbs in every possible orifice. The arms of your couch look like they’ve […]

To fully understand this scented hand sanitizer, let’s begin with Sir Arthur Q. Stink of the British Isles, who issued a proclamation in 1768 which reads as follows: “To the Men, Women, Children and Families of Great Britain – It is my distinct pleasure today to introduce you and yours to an odor unlike anything […]

Start your day the right way with the Wake & Bake Dream Griddle Alarm Clock, by Darby McKingons. If you didn’t know, Darby McKingons is widely respected as the World Record holder for the “most calories eaten in a single day.” McKingons won this prestigious title in 1947 after consuming just over 139,084 calories. His […]