Grow a Real Boyfriend

Memoirs of bae

Dear Potential Boyfriend –

As a potential partner, I have amassed a list of demands that require your attention prior to us engaging in any sort of relationship.

Please note my use of the word “demand.”

The list below is not a vague representation of things I’d like.

They are required certainties.

Keep in mind; I’m already somewhat annoyed at you for having to clarify that point.

You should have already known this.

However, since I guess I have to be a mind reader, point clarifier and partner, it most certainly behooves (look up the word if you don’t know it, Einstein. jeez) you to pay attention and heed the warnings.

You must be available at my beck and call at all times of the day or night.

If I want a peanut butter and banana sandwich with no crust at 3 am, you’d better put on your smiley face and make it happen, no questions asked.

Your appearance must be impeccable at all times. It would be best if you appeared full of health and vigor every second you decide to grace me with your presence.

I want flawlessness.

I want muscles.

I want you radiating confidence and a megawatt smile that pretty much requires I wear shades.

Don’t talk back to me. Ever. It’s not worth your time.

Very, very long story short, I’m right about all things at all times.

While your opinions may be cute to other, less superior beings, I could not possibly care less the words you have to say.

You will be my side, everywhere I go. Without hesitation.

Maybe I want to go to the mall.

Perhaps it’s a movie.

Hell, maybe I want to go square dancing at Frank O’Cowboys Saloon and Whiskey Bar next Sunday afternoon and need you to wear a cowboy hat and spurs.

Whatever I want, you do.

Moreover, you had better bring your A game.

Snuggles. Now. Then. Forever.

You’d better prepare yourself for all sorts of snuggles at all times.

They’re my favorite. Also, you’d better not so much as say “toothpaste” to me. I’m snugging like a damn bug in a rug until I feel like we’ve had enough.

I’m talking mid-afternoon snugs, late-night snuggles, Netflix and chill snuggles, and my favorite: early morning, morning breath snugs.

All of this, because I love you. And, because, you love me.

Right?

Right?

I’m not too needy am I?

No. You are. You are.

On top of that, you talk too much.

And your parents are awful to deal with.

And you always smell like sweat socks.

You know what? Forget it. I don’t need you. Because now, I have him.

The Grow-A-Boyfriend.

He’s undoubtedly everything you’re not. He’s everything I want him to be…AND MORE.

He even likes to bathe with me.

I just put him in the water, and he grows. Like a real man.

He started off only a couple of inches high. But we spend time together, and he grows. He’s almost 12 inches now.

Something you’d never be even in your dreams.

BURN!

He’s not like you. With your fantasy football and video games and fast food, coming home smelling like a brewery fire.

He loves me for who I am!

So consider this note goodbye. We’re through.

My new boyfriend will never leave me.

HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.

Love,

Your Ex