It’s time to take the plunge. It’s time to get yourself an in-car sauce holder. Let’s be honest; your body is too far gone to have any real hope of getting back in shape.
You’re never going to be the fittest person on the planet, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to settle for mediocrity.
That leaves only one option: you’ll have to be the fattest. The biggest human ever to have shaken the ground of this earth. It may be the easier option, but it won’t be easy. Jon Brower Minnoch weighed in at a cool 1400 lbs at his peak, and you’re going to have to put in some effort if you’re going to crack that before your heart gives out. Sure once you cross 800 lbs and you can’t stand up anymore, then it’ll be easy, but the tough part is gaining that first 600 lbs. There are the obvious necessities. A high-fat diet, all junk food, drive your car for anything farther than a block, blah blah blah. Tell me something I don’t know, am I right? That’s not going to be enough to be the best. No, if you’re really going take that wobbling crown, you need a competitive edge. Just think of all that time spent in your car, not eating! You need to up that caloric intake on the go while you still can! Drive-thrus are your friends, but as your sizeable girth increases, you can’t expect to be able to lean over and pick up fries that have rolled onto the floor. And where will you keep your ketchup and other sauces? You need stability, and that’s why cars have two cup holders. One for your sugary soda, and one for the fries to go with the burger in your lap. But fries without a high-calorie dipping sauce are a rookie’s game. You need an easy-access, in-car condiment holder.