The Gift of Nothing

The Instant Path to Enlightenment

To quote the infinitely wise and enlightened Hugh Jackman, “I love making a fool out of myself. I made my living as a clown at kids’ parties for about three years.” Classic Hugh, am I right?

He also said, “Meditation is all about the pursuit of nothingness.” Well, why waste your time with all that ‘slow path to enlightenment’ mumbo-jumbo when you can buy yourself the gift of nothing with cold hard cash right now, the way God intended. It is 2018 damn it! We don’t have time to wait around for nothing to come along.

As Privileged Children of Capitalism, Nothing is our Birthright.


We are busy people with nothing to do! As privileged children of capitalism, nothing is our birthright. We deserve nothing! Some people think that the gift of nothing is something that is not possible to pursue; do not believe them!

Nothing is within your grasp. You’ve worked hard for this.

7 Explanations on the Path, Why Nothing is within your Grasp

1. All those years of school, toiling away in the library for nothing. Exam after exam, studying for weeks on end, all for nothing.

2. Skipping all those spring breaks for nothing.

3. Not going on that trip to Europe after graduation with your friends, all so you could get your hands on nothing.

4.The stressful job interviews at top firms with nothing on your mind. 5.Pushing every one of your relationships away because you valued nothing more than them.

6. Stabbing your best friend in the back to climb the ladder, all in the pursuit of nothing, and now some hippy with dreadlocks and a ratty Phish t-shirt is trying to tell you that the gift of nothing cannot be bought? That guy knows nothing!

7. You know nothing! Nothing tastes like Fresca. Nothing is what it seems. Nothing feels like home.

 You’ve dedicated your life to nothing, and now it’s time for you to give yourself the gift of nothing. You’ve earned it!