The Toilet Paper Blaster

There’s a new Sheriff in town. His name is Sheriff Two-Cheeks.

Sheriff Two-Cheeks

And this son of a gun comes equipped with a Toilet Paper Blaster.

“Now, what in the world is a toilet paper blaster?!” you may be asking yourself.

Well, you’re only even asking that question because you’re:

  • Weak.
  • Uncultured.
  • Lame.

Let the aura and panache of Sheriff Two-Cheeks change your ways.

You see, the Sheriff knows that if you demand respect, you bring a T.P. Blaster to the party.

Imagine the scene:

The doorbell rings. The door slowly owns.

There you are. Standing in all of your glory holding old blue, also known as the blaster to end all blasters.

The party stares in utter humility, knowing that what they are witnessing is better than anything they have ever been exposed to in their entire lives. It’s you. Now, you hold their fate in your hands.

Will the party be doused in wet toilet paper? Will the patrons have the opportunity to live their best lives, while your blaster delivers wet two-ply all over the place as they laugh and shout for more?

Oh, yes. Yes, it will.

You see, this Toilet Paper Blaster is the real deal. Fasten on a roll of your favorite backside wipes, add a little water, and all of a sudden: the official party starter is here.

Aside from making a boring gathering kick a**, there are several other ways you might consider using the T.P. Blaster:

  • Target practice, on the backboard of your basketball hoop. The neighbors will burst with excitement when they see your basketball hoop dripping with two-ply.
  • Backyard Shenanigans: You love your trees, but wouldn’t you like them even more if they were covered in moist toilet paper?
  • Sky High: See who can launch the toilet paper in the air the highest at your next party. Even the Heavens above will appreciate the absurdity.
  • A handy-dandy side-arm for the next mofo that decided to cause “road rage” because you zoomed past him in your Tesla, like the baller you are.

The question is this: do you want to be a kingly Prank Master or not? Sheriff Two-Cheeks knows the answer, and that answer is an unquestionable “yes.”

Sheriff Two-Cheeks, Patrolling The Streets

The Toilet Paper Blaster not only levels up your entire life, but it let’s those around you know that you mean business.

Some Sort of Dude-man that means business.

Also, the handy toilet paper makes them see that if they have to do their business, you can help. Right? You’re such a contributor to society.

When the situation calls for a Toilet Paper Blaster, be ready with this beauty – and let’s be honest, almost every job can be improved by whipping out this beauty.

Lightweight, sturdy, and outright awesome, this bad boy flings toilet paper up to thirty feet, making it perfect for target practice on your cat, kids who won’t shut up, the mailman, making it rain at the strip club, whatever…

Plus, it comes complete with three targets so you can make sure you’re always ready for a little action.

Why waste time making spitballs? Oh, and talk about wet willy’s with this thing. This beast does it all for you, so you and Sheriff Two-Cheeks can get back to what matters most: being on the receiving end of non-stop high fives from being so freakin’ awesome that it’s just not possible for anyone else to be more awesome.

“The sheer amount of high-five’s I now receive on almost an hourly basis is indubitably due to the style of my hair, the cool wolf I have, and owning a toilet paper blaster. Mostly the toilet paper blaster part.”

-Kit Harington