My name is Cornelius.
I am an adult, who was raised by my parents through the things they learned in “How to Traumatize Your Children.”
If you ask me, I think it’s a wonderful book.
I think it’s a wonderful book filled with amazing techniques to help children become better human beings.
A book that also encourages children to do the things that are most important for their family and their parents.
SHUT THE HELL UP. It turns out children don’t know what they’re saying. They don’t know what they’re saying, but boy do they love to talk and talk and talk. My parents instilled in me the critical lesson of almost never speaking. When I am allowed to speak, I make sure it’s quick and to the point. Questions like “May I get you another glass of wine” or statements like “You look gorgeous, mother.”
VACUUM. No child innately likes chores. That’s why my parents made sure I not only knew how to vacuum, but I also knew how to dust, organize shelves, mow the lawn and clean out the gutters in the Fall. What a lucky kid I was! Right?! Right?!
SMILE: So I was sad my parents would let me get the triple fudge brownie strawberry explosion sundae. I didn’t need ice cream anyway. I didn’t need ice cream, treats or basically any toys. All I needed was a good book. A good classic book. All I needed was a 70-year-old, water-stained copy of Moby Dick. I guess.
These are just a few of the thousands of lessons I learned that helped me become the person I am today.
Can I tell you a secret, though? I’m also working on my own plans. Not plans just to make my parents proud. BUT PLANS TO MAKE THEM SUPER PROUD.
I might actually be…President of the United States of America!
I will attain the highest office in the land. That way, I can prove to my parents that I am everything this book said I probably wasn’t.
I’ll be strolling through the Oval Office like a celebrity. The best celebrity. The Prez.
I can have the chefs make me whatever I want.
Secret Service all up in my business.
News coverage 24/7.
Guess what I won’t have? ANY VACUUMING TO DO!
This book made me what I am today, and encouraged me to be what I will tomorrow.
I owe this book everything.