ALERT. There’s an epidemic sweeping the nation that must be resolved.
A recent study of the 4,071,000 miles of roads in the United States has revealed an astonishing truth we all need to be keenly aware of.
Every morning, every evening and all day long, people are getting in their personal vehicles.
They mindlessly take to the roadways – and nearly all of them have to deal with a particular breed of person.
Call this type of driver person whatever you’d like:
- Soul-less Goon.
- Brainless Reject.
- Grandma.
- Misfit.
- Weirdo.
- Sir Dufus.
- Double Dumbo.
- Fliptard.
- Inattentive.
- Hooligan.
- Fatso.
- Dirty Imbecile.
- Jerk.
- Dweeb.
- Filthy Animal.
- Hideous Beast.
- Teenager.
- Crack-a-doodle-doo.
- Mr. Dur-dur-dur.
- Hazardous Peasant.
- Erratic Fool.
- Naive doo-doo head.
- Nitwit Loser.
- Screwbally-ball.
- Disgrace.
- Absolute “horror-show of a human being.”
- Newbie.
- Irresponsible Lunatic.
- Nick Cage.
Bad drivers, why do you make our lives so miserable?
When we’re in a hurry – you’re taking your sweet time.
When the light turns green, you’re still on your phone working on your next Insta-fabulous selfie so you can finally be Insta-famous, just like you deserve. Not Becky or Ashley.
When we’re trying to be good citizens and drive the speed limit – you’re on our backend like a $2 dance in Los Angeles (no disrespect, LA – we love you!).
When you have a cooler car and you’re just automatically an a-hole for having it but we’re really just jealous of you.
Or even when you simply just drive a Prius.
When cars take up all the freakin’ lanes right next to each other cars driving the same speed like they strategically planned to not let you pass by.
Well, you get the picture here. Anyways; a team of the most intelligent, most competent drivers – people very much like you and I, the law-abiding, honorous citizens of the year – gathered together to form a solution to the madness.
Introducing: The Monkey Paddle.
A simple answer to a complex problem.
It’s the perfect solution to finally stop bad drivers in their tracks – but also deliver a little snarky attitude along with it. Which, they deserve, of course.
The Monkey Paddle (street term: road-rage paddle) accomplishes everything you’ve ever wanted in a road rage relief product.
Here are just a few popular, ingenious ways to use the road rage paddles:
- Car driving way too fast. Boom – Paddle Time.
- Car driving way too slow. Boom – Paddle Time.
- Creepy Dude staring at you at a red light. Double boom. Paddle time.
There are millions of ways you could be annoyed by another lousy driver on the road…but there’s only one solution: The Monkey Paddle Road Rage Paddle.
Sure, you could do something boring like honk a horn, flash a crazy face or maybe even inflate the good ol’ middle finger, but why? You’re not just another boring, normal human being. You want to set that driver right in their place.
Just take a look at these road rage sign beauties you could flash in front of their moronic faces:
- Are you serious? Like, For Real?
- Driving isn’t for you.
- Did you buy your license?
- WHY? UGH.
- Your Speed: 100
- Use Your Blinkers
- Get out of the fast lane
Hot diggity doggity! The personal pleasure and euphoric rush you will derive from these paddles is that which is truly neverending.
Now, imagine you’ve had a long day. You’re on that neverending commute to get home. You’re sitting in traffic, eeking along…
All of a sudden, some spaz in a 1989 economy minivan with inexplicable expensive spinning rims and blaring music that sounds pretty much just like a bass run tries to creep their way into your line.
Not anymore, mr. cool guy.
Not only can you put him in his place with a paddle, since you’re basically stopped, but you might also even flash two paddles. WHY? And ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Boom. Nailed it.
Now you feel better, and that driver knows how awful of a human being they are.
Good – because maybe they’ll make this the moment they turn it around, and all of a sudden they become a courteous, safe driver.
Geez, dude, or dudette. You’re truly making lives better, making a real impact in the world and leaving behind a legacy with the Road Rage Paddle-Monkey Paddle now, too. Nice work.
This is a perfect gift for the person in your life who is sick of other drivers and wants to show a little rage. Only just a little justified road rage, that is.
“I sware to Kanye, the next peasant that cuts me off and doesn’t kiss my pinky ring in apology gon’ see one of my monkey paddle road rage signs for real yo.”
-Kanye West
