The year is 2037.
The World Chip Organization has stepped into the spotlight and will be featured, for the first time ever, in the Olympic Games.
The challenge: Who can eat the most amount of snacks in just 30 minutes.
The bigger challenge: how will the contestants stay reasonably clean and presentable during this strenuous challenge?
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the contestants are on a national scale.
No more hiding in their basements or sitting in their kitchens eating handfuls of puffed cheese snacks for hours on end, not caring that there are tiny cheese flakes piling up on their fingers.
The competition is serious. Snacks being eaten at the games include:
And the killer? COOL RANCH DORITOS with EXTRA COOL RANCH DUST.
Dear God. Why. WHY?!?
How can a competitor possibly dive his or her hands into an enormous bag of chips like this and come out looking even reasonably presentable to the viewers watching at home?
We even once heard that one competitor, in the amateur leagues, ate so many artificially flavored chips covered with flamin’ hot something or other that his fingerprints disappeared.
This can’t happen.
How will the competitors survive the embarrassment and potential loss of self-identifying fingerprints?
Yes, everyone: “Beer Belly” Brad wears them. “Cosmic Chip” Shelly. Even the gold medal-winning Barry “Two Ton Tostitos” Terry.
So, how about you?
Thankfully, in 2037, it’s commonplace for the chip and snack connoisseur to wear Chip Fingers.
But these days, it’s still an undiscovered jewel in the world of snack enjoyment.
We’re proud to present you with the next level of chip accessories in the here and the now:
Chip Fingers allows those dainty little digits of yours to stay clean. No more licking your fingers like you’re some sort of gorilla-cat hybrid who just ate a handful of fig seeds. Gross-out.
Even worse, maybe you’d run to the sink, wash your hands and then when you dry them, you see that the paper towel left behind looks like it was part of a murder scene.
Chip Fingers is the solution to all of your snack induced woes.
1. They keep your most important chip loving fingers safe. The index. The thumb. EVEN THE POINTER.
2. You can be ready should the snack Olympics call you and invite you to future games
3. Friends, family and enemies alike will be in awe, causing you to be the most celebrated chip dipper in your social circle
Honestly, you may as well a pallet of these now and just go on and change your name to Chip Fingers.