MEET SARGE, HOST OF COOL HIT NEW VIDEO GAME, EXTREME CHORES!
SARGE IS GOING TO WALK YOU THROUGH WHAT IT TAKES TO BE AN ABSOLUTE BUTTOCKS KICKER IN THE WORLD OF CHORE LIFE, WHERE IT’S A TAKE NO PRISONERS LIFESTYLE FOLLOWED BY A TEN KNUCKLE SHUFFLE OF JABS TO THE FACE.
CHORES GET NO MERCY IN EXTREME CHORES!
For the sake of your reading eyes, we’re going to tone down the upper case letters…
BUT BY NO MEANS LET THAT DISSUADE YOU FROM THE FACT:
EXTREME CHORES IS NO JOKE, PRIVATE.
Sarge legit developed, devised and delivered the hottest chore competition programming in history.
But don’t take it from us, we’re going to turn the keyboard over to Sarge himself:
LISTEN UP, MAGGOTS.
YOU WERE PROBABLY TOLD THERE WOULD BE NO CAPS LOCKS INVOLVED IN THE TELLING OF MY STORY.
WELL, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS UNTRUE.
I AM ALL ABOUT CAPITAL LETTERS, AND I AM ALL ABOUT DROPPING MY ARTILLERY OF HOUSEHOLD CHORES ON YOUR PATHETIC, SORRY EXCUSE FOR A DAY.
HERE’S HOW IT WORKS, YOU SCUM LOVING, SALAD EATING, ONLY HOT DOGS IN THE SUMMERTIME SON OF A BASSET HOUND:
YARD WORK. 24 HOURS A DAMN DAY FOR A WEEK. RAKE THE LEAVES. MULCH. DIRT. ROCKS.
SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DELIVERED IN YOUR FRONT YARD IN MEASUREMENTS OF “YARDS.”
ALL OF THAT UNTIL YOU’VE GOT A SUNBURN ON YOUR NECK THAT RESEMBLES THE SHADE OF A WELL BOILED LOBSTER!
DISHES. DO ‘EM. DO ‘EM RIGHT. DO ‘EM HARD.
DON’T BE A LOW WATER FLOW FREAK.
I WANT JET DRY, I WANT DETERGENT TABS.
I WANT THOSE DISHES PUT AWAY WHILE THEIR STILL SCALDING HOT AND STEAMY!
RAKING. THOUGHT THE YARD WORK WAS OVER? OF COURSE, YOU DID YOU SAD SANTA SACK OF REINDEER ANTLERS.
YOU ARE COMPLETELY PATHETIC, PRIVATE.
NOW RAKE THE YARD AND AERATE THE HELL OUT OF THE LAWN!
LITTER BOX: I SEE CLUMPS, PRIVATE! NO CLUMPS!
NO ODOR, NO CLUMPS, NO BITS AROUND THE BOX. CLEAN IT UP!
I WANT YOUR FRISKY LITTLE FELINE TO FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS ON PROM NIGHT, STAT!
OK. Sorry about that.
Now that Sarge has had his way with the explanation of Extreme Chores, we’re happy to tell you the truth:
The whole thing is not what you thought it was.
Extreme Chores doesn’t exist.
It’s not a hit new video game.
It’s actually not even a video game at all…
Extreme Chores is just a prank gift box. Enjoy it. Get some laughs. Put the real gift inside.
Just don’t tell Sarge it’s not a real thing.
He needs something to hold on to, and it can’t be that brisket sandwich we found in his left cargo pocket.
We’re not sure how old it is, but it’s definitely past its expiration date.
Get the Extreme Chores prank gift box like, yesterday.
Be the hero of the party.
Then leave knowing not only did you light up the smiles of everyone at that party, but that somewhere, Sarge is smiling too.
Taking just a little nibble of that questionable sandwich.
