Oh, you fancy huh? Well, Meet Mr. Moustachio, a fancy gentleman with the manliest mustaches of all time.
Some might even say the fanciest.
This so and so has it all figured out. And by “all,” we, of course, mean “mustaches.”
Moustachio is a curious case when it comes to the desire for many consumers to understand the man behind the marketing.
Moustachio was born in a place literally called “Anytown, London.”
Anytown, London was located in Wisconsin. Strange.
He grew up in the mid to late 1800s with an insatiable appetite in mustaches and facial hairstyles.
He grew his first mustache at age 3. It was a beauty.
By age 8 he had, by all accounts from the era, a mustache that was said to have “…been enviable beyond a shadow of a doubt, admired by gentleman and dames from here to Prussia.”
The scientific reason Moustachio was able to grow upper lip hedges was a mystery. Many believed that he was sent down by aliens, a former King of a foreign planet.
His parents knew that to be untrue, but also had no explanation for his mouth fur.
Moustachio retired to a quiet place on the outskirts of the Sandwich Islands in the early 1900s, never to be heard again.
In late 1987, a relative of Moustachio found a curious box deep in the attic of Casa de Moustachio.
At first, a seemingly average box turned into a treasure trove of historical artifacts that would reshape the course of Mustache history as we now know it.
Instead of paraphrasing, we’re happy to share the exact words the Cousin Moustachio shared on the day of the find.
“It was early in the morning, around sunrise, I reckon. I was in the attic looking for incriminating evidence against one of my cousins I’m suing, and all of a sudden I come across a pile of finger sandwiches and Earl Grey tea bags. I don’t know why they were there, but I was curious and started moving them aside. Next thing you know, this box is in front of me. I opened it…and there they were.”
By “they,” the distant Moustachio relative means “the manliest mustaches you can stick-on your face.”
The secret of the wonder child who grew mustaches was busted wide open.
The earth-shattering news was broadcast to billions of potential viewers on the “TV Shopping Network” alongside this product: a remake of the ten mustaches worn by Sir Mustachio.
Ten different manly mustache styles:
1. The Fu-man Chu
2. The Crumb-Catcher Mustache
3. The Stache-o-Mania
4. The Rich Uncle Nickelbags Mustache
5. The Rollin Rollie Mustache
6. The Artist Mustache
7. The Handle Bar Mustache
8. The Wild Bill Mustache
9. The Disco Dave Mustache
10. The Dali Mustache
A truly astounding, very recognizable ‘stache.
Maybe the world didn’t care about the man, Mustachio and his fake legend – but they sure do love these premium stick-on face rugs.