Does it smell like success in here, or is it just my underarms wafting the odor of a winner?
Yup, it’s definitely me.
It’s not you, and your weird little parking routine that makes it look like a six-year-old somehow got their license from a cereal box as a prize.
Why is it the general public seems to have more difficulty figuring out how to simply slow down their damn vehicle, put it in park and get out of their car?
Turns out, most people seem to do this:
TEAR INTO THE PARKING LOT
LOOK AROUND FURIOUSLY AS IF THEY WERE A WILD ANIMAL IN THE SAVANNAH LOOKING FOR PREY
SEE AN OPEN SPACE AND HAUL INTO IT LIKE THEY’RE DRIVING AN F-950
It’s not that hard folks. Right? It can’t be.
Finding a parking spot, driving gingerly into it and smiling to all of the other human beings you pass as you walk into wherever you’re going should be customary.
It’s like a war zone out there. A war zone where people park as if they are so unfamiliar with the rules of the road that it makes you want to cry.
You’re better than that.
As a matter of fact, you’re so much better than that, you need to let people know.
You could do one of two things:
1. Start a syndicated talk radio station show where you call out people who have done poor jobs of parking and invite callers to call up and do the same. Hope that you’ll amass enough listenership for people to actually care about what you’re doing – and ultimately, hope that the culprit is listening, so they learn their lesson.
2. Leave the idiot parking person a parking ticket. Call them out. Win the day (or night) directly.
Number two seems way more badass, right?
Number two seems like it’s number one in the rankings of your life, we can all agree.
Make sure that every person you’re ever met that parks like a drunk Fraggle on Black Friday know that they have done you wrong.
Leave them a note.
Not just a note, but…
Instill in them the fear of God.
Let them know, they should have known better. They deserve fake parking tickets for parking like the business end of a donkey.
Sure…this isn’t a real parking ticket…but hopefully it shakes the idiot to the core so much they decide to not be such a worthless zero in the future.