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Wearable Gifts

manly stick-on mustaches

Oh, you fancy huh? Well, Meet Mr. Moustachio, a fancy gentleman with the manliest mustaches of all time. Some might even say the fanciest. How fancy? This so and so has it all figured out. And by “all,” we, of course, mean “mustaches.” Moustachio is a curious case when it comes to the desire for […]

the-best-wearable-chair

It’s the future, dude – nobody should have to stand when they can sit. Therefore; we formally announce the world’s greatest device: The Wearable Chair (as seen on Silicon Valley) That’s right – take a load off anytime, anywhere with the chair that literally changes everything for the better. Going to an outdoor concert? Forget […]

tortilla-blanket

PASADENA, CALIFORNIA: July 2019 Pasadena Times Headline: BABY IN A TORTILLA BLANKET BURRITO PHOTOSHOOT CAUSES UPROAR WITH LOCAL COMMUNITY The reason? What a disaster. Who was the creator who would ever think you should put a baby in an actual burrito? And where in the world would they find a soft tortilla large enough to […]

$17.99
fanny-pack-hat

It’s 11:27 am. You wake up in your hastily hung hammock in your bedroom with a Mad Magazine on your lap. Your eyes pop open but your vision is somewhat blurry from the night before. You quickly crinkle aside the magazine to reveal your still in the same clothes from the party the night before: […]

chip finger covers

The Year is 2037 The World Chip Organization has stepped into the spotlight and will be featured, for the first time ever, in the Olympic Games. The Challenge: Who can eat the most amount of snacks in just 30 minutes. The Bigger Challenge: How will the contestants stay reasonably clean and presentable during this strenuous […]

$15.99
Germ-Guards for Fingers

WHAT?! ARE YOU STILL TOUCHING STUFF WITHOUT FINGER COVERS LIKE SOME TWO BIT JABRONI FROM PLANET “I’M INSANE-A-TOPIA?!” You must be out of your barely functioning, rummage sale quality brain if you think touching door handles, ATM buttons or pretty much everything on planet Earth that isn’t the underbelly of a newborn kitten is safe. […]

shakespeare-bandaid

Thy cut is in itself a complete disaster of epic proportions! You know your slice of skin which has caused blood to make itself viewable to the world is embarrassing, yes? As a matter of fact, we are all embarrassed by the cut. It is small. It is slight. It is so minute, that it […]

the Kangaroo Shoes

Many very intellectually advanced people in America have high praise for the wonderfully captivating and famous television star Captain Kangaroo. If you’re unfamiliar, first, let us welcome you out from underneath that gross old rock you’ve been living in. Let us refer to Wikipedia to catch you up on Mr. Kangaroo: “Captain Kangaroo was an […]

$295.00
flip-flop-straps

Historically, there has always been major problems with flip-flops. They either flip or they flop. Here’s what is the worst about that: both words are terrible. No one uses “flip-flop” as a superlative. It’s not a good thing. No one is ever like, “Hey, man – good work out there today, you were really flip-flopping […]

$16.99
the electric head massage helmet with app

You seem stressed out a little bit lately, is everything OK? Come on, why are you so anxious? Seems Like You May Need an Electric Head Massager… I mean, it’s not like we’re in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, right? That would be crazy, right?! The way you’re acting, you’d think the Pentagon released […]

$139.00
wake up energy patches vitamin b

Ever heard of vitamin patches for energy? Well, buckle up and hold on tight because there’s about to be an energy blast through your body that will make anything possible. Yes, literally anything. Too tired to be a good parent?  Stick on a B12 Energy Patch and you’ll be the winner for “Parent of the […]

light-up-gloves

Your child is one of the sweetest, most delicate, lovely children that has ever graced the planet earth. Inside your home, they are kind, friendly, lovable. Outside your home? They are one of the raddest kids on the playground, in the neighborhood, in their school. Can you comprehend how difficult it is to be so […]

$14.99
the best temporary tattoo printer

What’s the story behind the temporary tattoo printer anyways? Well, it all started like this… Date: Sunday, April 19th  Time: 3:13am Place: Carl’s Ink & Stink The customer walked through the door smelling of a mix of under carbonated light beer and dollar store cigarettes. They remarked “YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, AND ME WANTS A […]

$319.00
bluetooth-gloves

There’s no way you’re still talking on your phone like it’s 2003, are you? If you are, there is very little hope for you. Frankly, why not just go all out and treat your phone usage like it’s 1897. Carry around an old wooden wall clock with a handset receiver and a cord, saying things […]

diamond-gold-grillz

With all deez holidayz around the corner, isn’t it time you treat yourself to some gold plated grillz for that wonderfully pretty smile of yours? Let’s cut right to the chase: you deserve better. You deserve more. You have earned the prettiest smile in all the land. So how can you achieve that goal? Easy, […]

$19.99
a funny nerd

The NERD SQUAD has officially blown open its doors and is welcoming new members who can fall in line with what it means to be the nerdiest of nerds. Fortunately, if you’re not quite prepared to join the NERD SQUAD, this all in one NERD KIT is going to get you almost all the way to the finish line.

$11.29