I remember my first fire like it was 30 years ago last Thursday. Because it was.
I was a young fellow, just about old enough to fill my own diaper. I had recently learned to roll over and my father, being the manly, burly man he was wrote me a letter I still have to this day, that I would like to share with you:
“Dear Son,
In only 7 months time you’ll be one year old. Wow, the time flies. I can remember not long ago you didn’t even exist.
Your mother and I would sit around, enjoying ourselves. Watching movies, going out to fancy restaurants. Hell, sometimes we’d even just go walk on the beach just for goofs and giggles.”
“Now,
We have a much more important job: instead of having any fun at all, we are now charged with maintaining a brand new human life (that’s you).”
As a man, I want to instill the values of life upon you when they are most important.
As you will soon be one, I’d like to take this time to introduce you to the element of fire.
3 Reasons why you should know how to start your first fire at such a young age:
Reason 1:
It’s a hilarious way to leave a flaming diaper on a neighbor’s porch.
Reason 2:
It’s the perfect way to ignite those pesky fireworks that never seem to cooperate.
Reason 3:
It’s a wonderful survival tool if we ever (accidentally) leave you on the side of a mountain next Sunday when we take a stroll with Mom and then file a police report that you’re missing and we move to another country and change our names so it would be next to impossible to locate us, then you are forced to raise yourself with the coyotes.
In any case, fire is important to know, thus;
I am giving you the gift of the “My First Fire” kit.
It comes complete with everything you’d need to say, leave a flaming diaper on a porch…or cook coyote meat on that mountain.
“Thankfully,
This kit has everything you need to either pull pranks…or survive in the wilderness. Fuel can, matches, logs, fire pit.
You’ll have it made. With a box kit like this, you’ll have no problem making it to like two or three on the side of that mountain – at that time you’ll probably be able to walk and you can make it to a highway where you can thumb a ride to Nana’s house.
She’ll take care of you (hopefully).
Best of luck, son. We think you’ll really enjoy your new life…er…fire starter kit.
Under Duress,
Dad”
I loved my Dad.
I loved that mountain.
I learned many things from those coyotes. I owe my entire life to :
The My First Fire Starter Kit
PS: Dad, I know you’re in Uganda. I can’t prove it yet, but I can just feel it.
PPS: It’s an empty box, perfect for prank gifts.
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